Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
