I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
