Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
