her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
