im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
