We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
