i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
