Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She needs sedatives and a leash
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
