I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
