I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
