I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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