I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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