You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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