I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
