I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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