Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
