idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
