I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
