Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
