I want to make a zoo with you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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