I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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