Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
