Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
