burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
