I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
