We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
it's like heaven, but drunker
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
