so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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