final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
