her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize