I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
