no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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