u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
