you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
