dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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