I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Mom said you looked used
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
