I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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