Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
