At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
