I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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