i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
