I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
