before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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