My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
