You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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