Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
