I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.