I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived