i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.