Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
