Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
