So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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