I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
