He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
