You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
