and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
