You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
