my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
