I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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