I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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