saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
