Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
Randomize
