we have pet lesbian snakes
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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