mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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