new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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