Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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